Some new rules..........
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Some new rules..........
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There'* a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy'* chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that'* square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport . It'* one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.*. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What'* next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It'* called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'* the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God'* sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Don't eat anything that'* served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy'* chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There'* no such thing as flavored water. There'* a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That'* your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that'* square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It'* right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport . It'* one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.*. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What'* next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It'* called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it'* for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'* the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he'* supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God'* sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
#3
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Re: Some new rules..........
Originally Posted by dbeast420
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There'* a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
Those are funny, did you write em or just agree?
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My two favorites.
ALl of them wereg reat
My two favorites
ALl of them wereg reat
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'* how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that'* square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his A$$ will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
#5
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Re: Some new rules..........
Originally Posted by crzydmnd72
Originally Posted by dbeast420
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There'* a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
Those are funny, did you write em or just agree?
I wish I had written them. I got them in an email from a good friend
#9
Originally Posted by dbeast420
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Originally Posted by dbeast420
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He'* two," will do just fine. He'* not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.